How Did I Get Here….

Sep 12

No really, how did I get here… I’m 37 and it’s only in the past couple of years that I’ve started to dig down deep, stop and breathe and do all of the things that one does in order to not sleepwalk through the rest of ones life.

Everyone goes through this at some point right? Spiritual awakening, existential or mid life crisis, nervous breakdown… all terms we casually toss around to describe this phenomenon - but whatever it is…I’m digging it.

The process is not without pain or grief or trauma, in fact, in most every way it’s not at all what you would call “FUN”…. however, I do finally feel “alive” for the first time in my life. That’s worth something right?

From a personal standpoint:

It’s asking myself, who am I and what do I want out of life?

How can I help others and not just myself?

It’s moving on and not replaying old worry loops and arguments over and over again until the end of time.

It’s being more patient with my friends and family and pets.

It’s learning to trust myself.

It’s learning to not care what others think…. at least so much….

From a business standpoint:

It’s setting stronger boundaries so that I can enjoy my work more.

It’s learning when to hustle and when and how to recharge.

It’s reinventing myself and my business if I feel like it’s moving in the wrong direction.

It’s listening to that little voice inside me that’s gently guiding me in the right direction.

It’s the patience to sit with an idea until it feels right instead of rushing into something.

It’s choosing not believe that it’s all been done before.

Lets take a look back at my adult life:

Disclaimer** Unfortunately, when you decide you want to move forward with creating a better life for yourself, you have to do some uncomfortable digging into the things that made you the person you are today in order to rewire those old beliefs that keep you stuck. This brings about a myriad of thoughts such as “am I crazy” and “does anyone else think about everything so much” or in my case specifically “does everyone have to work so hard to relax'“?

2004: In which I graduate from Elon University with a degree in Music Theatre.

Burnt out from a life of grand aspirations, I cast off all of my worldly ambitions and set out to see the world; driving from North Carolina to California.

2005: In which I return from California.

Unimpressed with the rest of the country, I vow to never leave North Carolina again. I move back in with my parents, get 2 waitressing jobs and proceed to have all of the fun a 23 year old can have living in their home town, with their parents after college.

2006: In which I pack up the car and move to the beautiful mountain paradise of Boone to start a new life.

Short Term Goal - to find bartending job.

Long Term Goal - to own a music venue.

I meet my future husband the first week in town and decide to stay in the High Country forever. [He does not know at this point that he is my future husband - I however do know because I trust my gut on all things and it has told me this.]

I get my Real Estate license

2007: In which I get married…. and then pregnant.

2008: In which I give birth to our first child… and then decide I should give up Real Estate forever and become a Wedding Planner…. This is absolutely out of nowhere.

2009-2012: In which I slowly [like really slowly] grow my wedding planning business while adapting to the joys of motherhood.

2013: In which I start getting more and more clients and decide it’s time to expand my business.

I ask my friend Andrea if she wants to come on board and also be a wedding planner so that we plan 2 weddings in one day. She says yes.

I start a band with some friends and finally feel that I’m getting back to my artistic roots. The shame I built up around not doing anything with my music theatre degree eases a little.

2014: In which my Dad dies suddenly. I work a wedding the day after and barely stop moving to really grieve until much later.

2015-2018: In which my wedding planning business is HUGE. I’m doing 35-40 weddings a season and playing 4 gigs a month and I literally never stop moving. The little voice inside starts nagging at me. I’m thinking “Oh god I’m missing it…I’m missing my son growing up…. I’m growing apart from my husband…I’m missing my life…I have to to change something before I burn out”.

I start getting migraines during this time.

I start thinking about what I’ll do when I grow up and what career I should move into once I age out of the wedding planning biz. How can I use the skills that I have to create something new and what new skills should I focus on developing?

2019: In which I finally say… This incessant busy-ness has to stop now or it’s all down hill from here.

I take a position with REID’S Catering and cut my wedding business in half.

I start putting pen to paper and mapping out what this new company [Bloom House] could look like.

I reconnect with 2 college friends who are on a mission to save the world. I start taking their courses focused on mindfulness, yoga and meditation. They encouraged me to ask myself these crazy questions like - Who am I, what are my core values, what do I want out of life, what’s holding me back and how can I map out a plan to make real change in myself and in the world. These may seem like really simple day to day questions but I never stopped to ask myself these things so to me it felt BIG! Once I started this process of truly getting to know myself I couldn’t go back to old habits.

My Grandma dies. - This time around I take the time and space and energy to properly grieve. I grieve for her and for those who had gone before her and for things I had no idea I even needed to grieve for. I cried a lot.

I start cutting way back on my drinking and looking closely at what it means to actually be healthy [whole other blog post]…

2020: In which I finally find some peace and work life harmony and time to connect with my loved ones.

I launch Bloom House and start to map out what selling The Whole Shebang [eventually] looks like.

I basically quit drinking…. eek this one is still super scary and weird.

I have a solid morning routine.

I exercise daily [well almost].

I eat ice cream daily [well almost].

I cut out sugar in my coffee [mostly].

I smile more, I laugh easier, I can sit with myself and not be uncomfortable, I can look at myself in the eye.

I ask people questions and actually listen to their answers.

Things I’m consciously working on right now:

Talking less in general

Giving less advice and more empathy [I think “holding space for others” is what the hippy’s call it].

Managing my energy, not overworking myself and finding healthy ways to recharge.

Figuring out the source of my migraines - because they have definitely not gotten better through my self discovery process.

Focusing on Bloom House as a whole and being able to offer more educational components.

Learning the true use of semi colons.

Seriously addressing my use of run on sentences, randomly capitalizing letters within a phrase and also whether to put a period after bullet point statement or not.

But in all seriousness….. I’m not sure how to end this endless post other than life is weird and it’s a journey not a destination and everything is ever changing and I’m learning… and I bore my husband and pre teen son enough with my philosophizing so the writing - it helps.